The Inevitable

Life is full of the inevitable, like change, growth, and death. We don’t always like the inevitable, but they come, and they go, and in the end, they just are, or were. Another inevitable is conflict. Doesn’t it seem that we have the most conflict with the ones we love the most? But then again, shouldn’t we? I often joke that if I haven’t had a good conflict in a week with my wife, I’d better start one because it means we’re probably not communicating. So in that context, is conflict always bad or can it be good, or both?

Conflict exists because human beings exist. It has been around since the first creation and will see the death of the last creation. We become consumed in the conflict instead of focusing on the solution, keeping the conflict alive and breathing. We need to shift our focus on who we are in conflict with and what they mean to us, in terms of relationship. We need to realize the extent of the relationship, if it is healthy and functional or unhealthy and dysfunctional. We need to understand what we should expect from the relationship and what is unreasonable to expect in the relationship.

In conflict, it is reasonable that others would want us to show them respect, to address the problem, and to hear what they have to say. It is unreasonable for others to want us to fix their problems, to change who we are, to become what they demand, and to receive disrespect from them. It is reasonable for us to expect from others in times of conflict to be treated with respect and dignity and to hear our concerns and wants. It is unreasonable for us to expect that others will have good boundaries just because we do, that others will want to change their views or personalities just because we feel that would be best for us, and that others will actually have the want, desire, knowledge, or capability to make the changes necessary for healthy relational growth.

Acceptance is allowing others to be healthy or unhealthy, allowing others to own their issues and not attempt to own their problems for them. Acceptance is an understanding that in life, all I can control is me, and in acceptance, influencing when I can and recognizing what I cannot and should not control. One of our most significant struggles in conflict is realizing when to let go of people who are not healthy for us in our lives and creating and enforcing boundaries to define where we end and another begins. Frost wrote, “Good fences make good neighbors”, and in conflict and relationships, good boundaries make healthy relationships, and allow us to distant ourselves from unhealthy relationships.

Embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth in relationships while realizing when conflict is better left alone. Focus on the person and realize their place in your life. Don’t allow conflict to destroy who you hold so dear. Let your expectations be realistic and respectful. Don’t own what is not yours to own or control what was never yours to control. Accept that not all people are healthy for you, and create solid boundaries that are rooted in self respect and mutual understanding.


(The writings in this post are random thoughts and observations and are NEVER intended as professional or personal advice. Take what works and leave the rest. For information on mental health and/or substance abuse help, visit http://www.rodneyvalandra.com and refer to the links page.)